Turns out there's something to my daughter's sensitive nature

My daughter is sensitive. I used to call her a drama queen. Now I know that's kind of an insult.

Like her ADHD, hypersensitivity is out of her control. But it's not a disorder or condition; it's not to be treated with a pill. Because while it has some down sides, it makes her even more unique and lovable. Hypersensitivity is a state of character that comes with it creativity and empathy, just packed with emotion.

Some days the emotional outbursts are worse for Abby than others, and some people have a way of making her more emotional than others. Sometimes seemingly minor things make her sad. Often with little explanation, or at least not one that makes sense to most people. If you looked at how she dressed, you might think there's no way this girl has an issue with what other people think about her. Yet just the opposite is true.

After reading an article about it and really thinking about situations that trigger it, I realized I can be the kind of mom she needs to use her hypersensitivity for its benefits instead of an excuse to be just a "drama queen."

So what, exactly, does it mean to be hypersensitive?

According to the article "Are you a Highly Sensitive Person" published on ADDitudeMag.com, the symptoms of hypersensitivity are high level of sensitivity to physical (via sound, sight, touch or smell) and/or emotional stimuli; more likely to suffer from asthma, eczema and allergies; and easily overwhelmed by too much information.

I always referred to these things in Abby (who has eczema and probably some allergies, though never tested) as her "sensory issues." Loud sounds or sudden, unexpected noises bother her. Yelling is a big no-no. If I want to make her lack of progress getting ready in the morning come to a complete halt, all I have to do is raise my voice. She'll never forget each and every time you've ever yelled at her. She will remind you if you do it a few days later. Then months. She might even remember for years. Clothing must fit her snugly. She prefers cotton and the tighter it touches her skin, the better.

Emotionally, words stick with her for a long time. She can read people extremely well, so tone and expression (and a condescending attitude) will leave a lasting mark. Recently she recounted a week in kindergarten when she had "red" lights three days. She knew what she'd done to earn them, and she also remembered with great pain that her light had gone to yellow on one of those days for something two other girls had done that she wasn't involved in. Yikes!

Clinicians say ADHD and hypersensitivity -- both physical and emotional -- are co-morbid conditions. More sensitive people are also more likely to feel pain, as both emotional and physical pain are experienced in the same part of the brain. It's no wonder every bump and bruise is a major ordeal in our home!

Still, as her mom, I tend to be hypersensitive about the way she's treated -- having lived and learned through many do-nots with an ADHD/hypersensitive kid myself. Regardless of the degree of sensitivity, I think we can all do better to treat people and especially children with a greater degree of patience and compassion.

Here's my lived-and-learned list. So if you see a child getting emotional, help them by:

1. Allowing them to step back and take time to calm down, analyze the situation and pause for reflection.

2. Not making disparaging remarks if they are overcome with emotion. Words such as "Just toughen up" or "Why are you being so sensitive?" or my all-time un-favorite "Stop acting like a 2-year-old." These words don't help and can often make the hypersensitive feel even worse about themselves. Pat yourself on the back for being a complete jerk and commit to doing better next time.

3. Not comparing them to another child, especially a younger one! Boy, I've made this mistake! Don't say they are acting like a "baby" or say their younger sibling or any younger child behaves better or more mature than they do. Ouch! These types of remarks are off-limits in our house, especially for Abby's younger brother who has found the power in calling her a "baby" and triggering an emotional outburst.

4. Reducing stimuli and toning it down. I watched as Abby was overstimulated at Christmas. One such gathering included a giant stack of wrapped gifts placed in front of her all at once. A couple gifts in she was completely overwhelmed and began hyperfocusing on one thing without acknowledging anything else.She started getting obsessive-compulsive about finding both sides to a box, of all things. She disappeared in this simple act of looking for a box lid to "hide" from all the stimuli that were coming at her from all sides. Her manners and sense of self had all disintegrated in a few moments of "too much, too fast." She came off as rude to family members who didn't understand. Next year, I'll advocate for the one gift at a time approach to save everyone from such a mess!

5. Not overemphasizing or reminding them of their mistakes. Because of her impulsivity driven by her ADHD, Abby makes a lot of mistakes and disobeys rules (hence all the "red" lights in kindergarten). She knows better, but her impulse control is weak. It's not long after she slips that she realizes she's made an awful mistake. She feels terrible. And unless it's a grave mistake or problem, a gentle reminder one time is all she needs. And I keep it brief at that. She's delivered more punishment to herself than I ever could since hypersensitive people are by nature people-pleasers. Dwelling on it makes her feel guilty and can trigger a crying spell that will go on for hours. The way I figure it -- my heavenly father extended a lifetime of grace to me, even after I turned my back on him for many, many years. The least I can do for my daughter is offer her grace. We all trip up from time to time, and none of us really deserve to have it thrown in our faces over and over. Forgive and forget -- it's a good motto to live by!

A phone call from a teacher

Today I got a phone call. It wasn't from a teacher.

Did I throw you off for a moment? Anyway, Dan called me because he got a call from a teacher. About Abby. It was not her classroom teacher but one of her "special" teachers -- specials are art, music, library and computers. As soon as the teacher said she was calling about Abby, Dan got a sinking feeling. You know, like "This should be interesting."

But the teacher was calling with good news! She wanted to brag about how awesome Abby is in her subject and how much she helps her out in her room and with other students. She was just delighted by Abby. And especially because in the fall, at the start of the school year, she could tell Abby just wasn't herself. She wasn't. The start of the school year was rough at our house. She didn't have any friends in her class, and the transition with me starting full-time work outside the house was also difficult for her. This teacher could tell she wasn't her happy, fun-loving self. Of course, we could too. We all worked hard together to help her get over the "bump" in her road. While she still hasn't connected with anyone in her room this year, she's adjusted and seems to love school again. Thank goodness.

I was so happy this teacher took the time. Not only to call us with that wonderful report. But also because of the personal encouragement and support she gives our daughter. By giving Abby responsibilities in the room and offering her praise, the teacher is setting her up for success. Those are the perfect ingredients for teachers to invest in an ADHD student, and the output is more focus, attention and involvement in the classroom! I wish more teachers took the time, and I'm so thankful for the many we have encountered who do. They make a HUGE DIFFERENCE in the life of a child.

A bouncy baby girl

Not long ago I posted about a day in which Abby didn't take her medication. It happens sometimes. We try our best not to forget, because continuity seems to be the key to her success in the structured environment that is school. But she didn't notice, nor did her teacher, when we forgot to give her a pill one Monday. That was so shocking to me! 

Because in this short video, during which the kids are watching a little television in the 15-minute window before we had to get ready for soccer practice, is NOT AN EXCEPTION. This is not a random thing. This is how Abby nearly always acts when she's not on her Vyvanse. That means, in the morning before it takes effect and in the evening when it wears off, and on those rare days when we forget. 

This is how I remember my baby -- as a toddler and preschooler. This is why she had three head injuries in six months. Because usually the television is not on, and she's moving horizontally, too. And aggravating her brother. The annoying, impulsive things she does to her brother often beg the all-too-common question in our home..."What were you thinking?" On this day, she was definitely more active and we saw the one-armed circles that she used to do when running while she was at soccer practice. Weird flashback. So I thought I'd share in case you don't know what ADHD looks like, or if you're wondering if your child is hyperactive, or if you'd just like to know how to burn 2,500 calories in 15 minutes. :-) 

Today I found the most peculiar snack by my daughter's bed

Moms and Dads of kids with ADHD understand that sometimes they get hungry late at night. Or, in the middle of the night, since their medication is an appetite suppressant. As it wears off, their little tummies grumble and -- finally -- they're hungry!

Our policy is she can get a snack from the "healthy food drawer" in the fridge or a cereal bar from the pantry. She can eat (without waking) us at any hour -- as long as she eats something healthy and dines in the kitchen, not her bed.

You can imagine, she leaves plenty of evidence that she disregards those rules occasionally. A few examples, most from the last week:

1. Finger swipes through the frosting in a birthday cake that was in the garage freezer.
2. Crumbs in her bed. Our schnauzer Yadi typically sniffs out her room and finds remnants in the carpet in the morning. Too bad for her, he's a dead giveaway of the rule breaking.
3. Powered donut crumbs on the counter tops, plus a trail around the foyer toward her room. Extra donuts wrapped up in napkins in her room.
4. The brown edges of cornbread crumbled off into a pile on her desk. (She doesn't like anything that appears to be burnt, which includes anything that's brown. Also, textures can turn her off to certain foods, too.)

And just today while I was in her room to get and wash her sheets....
5. A package of cream cheese.

Some people need a glass of water by their bed but I'm oh-so proud that my daughter goes for a "bednight snack" (my kids called it this when they were wee tots!) that's a little more hearty. She was offended when I said it had to be pitched. Unlike a glass of water, cream cheese can't be your standby on the bedside table all week long, sweetie! Gross!

Morning energy

So, I was thinking since Abby's medication takes a good 60-90 minutes to kick in and because she's so easily distracted that maybe a burst of exercise would help her focus every morning. That's what the research says, and heck, I'm willing to give anything a try if it will light a fire and help get us on our way. 


I decided to get her opinion. 

"Abby, do you want to start exercising with me in the morning for 10 or 15 minutes? I think it would be a good way to help you get your energy out."

Without missing a beat, Abby says, "But Mom, I don’t need to get energy out in the morning. I need to get energy in!"

So true. Bad choice of words on my part!

Here's my girl getting her energy out on another occasion!

A delicious mess to clean up

Why are ADHD kids messy? That's like asking why the sky is blue. OK, maybe not. I'm not entirely sure why the sky is blue actually. 

Let's put it this way instead -- it's like the elephant in the room question. And literally, an elephant could be hiding in their room. Who knows! In one week, you might lose track of where the bed went. 

For those of you who aren't blessed with a child with ADHD. Here's just a few reasons you feel like you're on the verge of living in an episode of Hoarders:

They're forgetful. As in, they go in to clean their room, but moments after walking in the door they have no idea what they supposed to do so they sit down to play in the pile of Legos closest to the door. They're disengaged with the cleaning process -- entirely!

Also, they're distracted. See example above, especially the reference to Legos. And who wouldn't be distracted by...oh, look at that -- glitter glue. Oh I could make a glitter mail box right now for all my Valentines. Valentine's Day is coming up. Last year grandma gave me a card with a dog. I love dogs. I think I'll draw a picture of a dog. Oh, look, glitter glue! 

What was I saying again? Yes, children with ADHD can't follow directions the same way other children can either. I might say to my children: "Abby and Ryker, go brush your teeth, brush your hair, put your shoes on and meet me by the back door." Or, "Go pick up all the books on the floor, put them on the shelf, then pick up all your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper."

In two minutes and 38 seconds, Ryker would be have completed his assignments in either example. I would likely find Abby standing with her toothbrush (toothpaste in a slow drip toward the sink) in hand, staring at her reflection in the mirror, or sitting cross-legged on the floor with a book open. She definitely can't get from A to E. It's better just to get A done and then move on to B. If you get to E that week, it's definitely a good week! Some days, just getting through A means I stand behind her at the bathroom sink, her with toothbrush in hand and ask about a half dozen times if she would PLEASE brush her teeth. 

I hope this makes it easy to see why kids with ADHD might have messy rooms, school desks and backpacks. For the record, they also are good at making the floorboards in the back seat of your vehicle disappear under a mound of stuff in about oh, two days. 

I'm not sure, exactly, how the mess carries over into other things, however, such as icing a cake. But I do know this, Abby is a creative genius who makes very beautiful things, but not without leaving a trail of clutter -- or icing -- in her wake. She does this with painting, cooking, playing with dolls, building with Legos and even getting herself dressed. It's exhausting!

For Ryker's baptism, she helped her grandma make an angel food cake. We all left her alone in the kitchen for what should have been 10 minutes but what turned into 20 minutes for icing it. 

Here's how it turned out: 

Ta-da! Oh, I got a little on the cabinet.

Grandma notices some on my shirt. 

Oh, and here's some more, too. And there's some back there on the other cabinet, too. 

No problem, I'll just lick it off!

And here's the finish product. Frankly, this is beautiful for a 9-year-old with ADHD who's icing an angel food cake for the first time -- they're tough to handle! Mom wouldn't have done much better or made less of a mess. In fact, mom might just be a touch ADD herself. I'd rather have the H, just the H. Then I'd probably at least burn a few more calories in a day. 

Legos and paint...late at night

Why do kids do the weird things they do? And especially why do ADHD kids have peculiar behaviors? 

It's always fascinating when I get a glimpse into the motivations behind Abby's bizarre behavior. Often when I understand what was driving it, I'm much less angry and frustrated.

As in this scenario:

Last week I worked 8:30-5 p.m., went to shoot a photo and interview a family for work at 5 p.m. Left there at 6:40 and headed to Ryker's basketball tournament in Springfield. From there, I went to Wal-mart to shop for two weeks of groceries. I pulled into the driveway at 10:15 p.m. and noticed Abby's bedroom light was on. She rarely sleeps...ever. One of the delights of ADHD.

I walked straight to her room and opened the door to catch her on the floor spread out in a Lego paradise that stretched the width of her room along one side of her bed. What a mess! I bit my tongue and gently said:

"Abby. It's after 10. What a mess you've made. You need to get to bed, and you'll have to clean this up later."

She had already sprung into bed as soon as I opened the door. As I walked to the far side of the bed to tuck her in, I discovered her art portfolio bag was open and paints were spilled out everywhere. Only one paint was open, and the mess was relatively contained. But the brush was ruined with sticky, dry blue oil-based paint on it.

I sighed. Probably loudly. "Why would you do this?" I asked. It's a question that she hears a lot.  She shrugged her shoulders. I mumbled something about how unreal the mess was and that she should be sleeping, and she did what she always did -- quickly agreed with everything I said. It's a game we play, I think, to avoid real conversations on the issue. Then I left the same way I came in -- quickly and quietly.

Two minutes later she was standing in the kitchen crying about needing her iPod back because she can't sleep unless she's listening to Harry Potter books. I refused. Taking away the iPod was punishment for the mess and she'd have to live without it.

Her drama, tears. My refusal. Repeat.

Finally, she went to bed.

Two days later -- after numerous attempts to spark a conversation about what could be so important that she's doing it at 10 p.m. on a school night -- she tells me that .....

she was recreating scenes from the fourth Harry Potter book. And she didn't have a Fleur Delacour character, so she had to use parts of other Lego figures. None had a blue shirt like Fleur is SUPPOSED to have, so she got out the paints to fix it. (See below)

After three or four days of stumbling over Legos in her room, I finally asked her to explain what was going on. I think I slept through No. 4, so I didn't understand the level of detail. But maybe you will.

This is the Beuxbatons carriage (on the left) used to take students to the tri-wizard tournament. And the Durmstrang boat (right).

The tent from the Quidditch World Cup competition.

A closeup of the backpacks on the end of the bunks in the tent.

Harry and Ron sitting on the bunks.

The Abraxan (winged horse) that carries the carriage. Since she didn't have a winged horse, she made this camel appear to have wings 

Fleur  Delacour with her new blue shirt. 

An overview of the tent that shows the restroom on the right.

The Tri-wizard trophy, as per Abby's design. 

The Goblet of fire.

A view of the fire on the inside of the goblet.

She can hyperfocus on Legos for hours on end. Some days this is great, and other days -- as you can imagine -- it causes problems as it turns into a distraction from the things she should be doing. But I'm proud of her determination to recreate and create using her imagination. This stuff is pretty impressive, but of course, I'm a tad biased!