My daughter is sensitive. I used to call her a drama queen. Now I know that's kind of an insult.
Like her ADHD, hypersensitivity is out of her control. But it's not a disorder or condition; it's not to be treated with a pill. Because while it has some down sides, it makes her even more unique and lovable. Hypersensitivity is a state of character that comes with it creativity and empathy, just packed with emotion.
Some days the emotional outbursts are worse for Abby than others, and some people have a way of making her more emotional than others. Sometimes seemingly minor things make her sad. Often with little explanation, or at least not one that makes sense to most people. If you looked at how she dressed, you might think there's no way this girl has an issue with what other people think about her. Yet just the opposite is true.
After reading an article about it and really thinking about situations that trigger it, I realized I can be the kind of mom she needs to use her hypersensitivity for its benefits instead of an excuse to be just a "drama queen."
So what, exactly, does it mean to be hypersensitive?
According to the article "Are you a Highly Sensitive Person" published on ADDitudeMag.com, the symptoms of hypersensitivity are high level of sensitivity to physical (via sound, sight, touch or smell) and/or emotional stimuli; more likely to suffer from asthma, eczema and allergies; and easily overwhelmed by too much information.
I always referred to these things in Abby (who has eczema and probably some allergies, though never tested) as her "sensory issues." Loud sounds or sudden, unexpected noises bother her. Yelling is a big no-no. If I want to make her lack of progress getting ready in the morning come to a complete halt, all I have to do is raise my voice. She'll never forget each and every time you've ever yelled at her. She will remind you if you do it a few days later. Then months. She might even remember for years. Clothing must fit her snugly. She prefers cotton and the tighter it touches her skin, the better.
Emotionally, words stick with her for a long time. She can read people extremely well, so tone and expression (and a condescending attitude) will leave a lasting mark. Recently she recounted a week in kindergarten when she had "red" lights three days. She knew what she'd done to earn them, and she also remembered with great pain that her light had gone to yellow on one of those days for something two other girls had done that she wasn't involved in. Yikes!
Clinicians say ADHD and hypersensitivity -- both physical and emotional -- are co-morbid conditions. More sensitive people are also more likely to feel pain, as both emotional and physical pain are experienced in the same part of the brain. It's no wonder every bump and bruise is a major ordeal in our home!
Still, as her mom, I tend to be hypersensitive about the way she's treated -- having lived and learned through many do-nots with an ADHD/hypersensitive kid myself. Regardless of the degree of sensitivity, I think we can all do better to treat people and especially children with a greater degree of patience and compassion.
Here's my lived-and-learned list. So if you see a child getting emotional, help them by:
1. Allowing them to step back and take time to calm down, analyze the situation and pause for reflection.
2. Not making disparaging remarks if they are overcome with emotion. Words such as "Just toughen up" or "Why are you being so sensitive?" or my all-time un-favorite "Stop acting like a 2-year-old." These words don't help and can often make the hypersensitive feel even worse about themselves. Pat yourself on the back for being a complete jerk and commit to doing better next time.
3. Not comparing them to another child, especially a younger one! Boy, I've made this mistake! Don't say they are acting like a "baby" or say their younger sibling or any younger child behaves better or more mature than they do. Ouch! These types of remarks are off-limits in our house, especially for Abby's younger brother who has found the power in calling her a "baby" and triggering an emotional outburst.
4. Reducing stimuli and toning it down. I watched as Abby was overstimulated at Christmas. One such gathering included a giant stack of wrapped gifts placed in front of her all at once. A couple gifts in she was completely overwhelmed and began hyperfocusing on one thing without acknowledging anything else.She started getting obsessive-compulsive about finding both sides to a box, of all things. She disappeared in this simple act of looking for a box lid to "hide" from all the stimuli that were coming at her from all sides. Her manners and sense of self had all disintegrated in a few moments of "too much, too fast." She came off as rude to family members who didn't understand. Next year, I'll advocate for the one gift at a time approach to save everyone from such a mess!
5. Not overemphasizing or reminding them of their mistakes. Because of her impulsivity driven by her ADHD, Abby makes a lot of mistakes and disobeys rules (hence all the "red" lights in kindergarten). She knows better, but her impulse control is weak. It's not long after she slips that she realizes she's made an awful mistake. She feels terrible. And unless it's a grave mistake or problem, a gentle reminder one time is all she needs. And I keep it brief at that. She's delivered more punishment to herself than I ever could since hypersensitive people are by nature people-pleasers. Dwelling on it makes her feel guilty and can trigger a crying spell that will go on for hours. The way I figure it -- my heavenly father extended a lifetime of grace to me, even after I turned my back on him for many, many years. The least I can do for my daughter is offer her grace. We all trip up from time to time, and none of us really deserve to have it thrown in our faces over and over. Forgive and forget -- it's a good motto to live by!
